Right now, my bedroom is a mess. There's pretty much a path from the door to the bed and that's it. If I want to get anywhere else, I have to move things. I hate it. And I need to have everything packed up and moved out by next weekend. It's laughable.
My "to do" list is impossibly long. I'm getting married in 17 days and it feels like there might not be a wedding for people to attend because there is so much that has yet to be decided and finalized. It's so silly because we've been engaged for 15 months which is plenty of time to plan a wedding. But I suppose procrastination is in my genes. Not to mention the month or so of planning I lost because I was battling deeper issues like whether I even want to get married. Wedding planning is unfair. Any girl who wants to get married and have a wedding suddenly has to be an expert party planner whether she has those skills or not (or else pay someone and arm and a leg to plan it). But maybe I'll write another blog on that later.
During my month of soul searching (see previous post) when I was depressed and anxious and lost seven pounds, I was closer to God than I've been in quite a while. It seems strange, but it makes total sense to me. I was desperate and hopeless and when those things are your life, Jesus is the only thing that heals. So I clung to Him every single day without fail. Then I started to get better and I leaned on Him less. Though I warned myself that it might happen and I tried to avoid it, I gradually became self-sufficient again and found less space for God in my daily life.
I know I need to be knee-deep in prayer and reading Scripture every day. It's summertime, so I have very little excuses (not that any excuse is really worthy at all). You might say that wedding planning crunch time is an excuse, but I'm writing this blog because I realized today that it's not.
See, I want to spend time with God, but I want to get other things done and out of the way first. Everything else feels so pressing and urgent. I need to order things, choose songs, create a timeline, make reservations, design programs, on and on and on. I need to find a place for us to live, clean my room, start packing, at the very least fold my clean laundry. These are important things that must get done as soon as possible. Then--I tell myself--then I will have time to spend some serious quality time with Jesus. After all of this mess is over with and gone and I'm married and life is perfectly put together and tied with a bow. Then I will read and pray and study all day long. That's the vision I have, anyway.
As a daughter of the most high King, a born-again follower of Jesus, a member of the Kingdom that's not of this world, I know that the things I listed aren't the most important. Glorifying my God is the most important thing. Living fully for Him, which comes through intimacy with Him, which comes through regularly communing with Him. And not just when I'm desperate and hopeless and I feel like there's nothing else to cling to. He wants to be with me when I don't think I need Him and I'm very very busy and when life is messy and "to do" lists are long and deadlines are approaching. He deserves my time even then--especially then. When my time is most precious. When there are a million other things I could give my time to and I give it to Him, He is exalted in my life.
So I'm going to try that. I hope that if you are with me in this boat, you will come to the same realization. Nothing is worth our time more than the One who loves us and saved us.
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